Pleasureful

Tag: friendship

  • Unexpected Change and Letting Go

    No one is a big fan of change. I hear this all the time, but is it really true? I mean, we’re all trying to change things in our lives all the time. Maybe you’re trying to make a change to your weight, your financial status or your career path. These changes are the good ones, the ones we’re not afraid of, because they’re the ones we’re in control of (for the most part anyway). It’s the unwanted or unexpected changes that we really fear. That might be a break-up, falling out with a good friend or being made redundant from a job that you felt comfortable and happy in. Sometimes we’re so scared to accept change that we spend all of our precious energy trying to make it stop. We desperately try to cling on to the present, even if we know deep down that it’s doing more harm than good. Just because something once brought some form of positivity into your life, doesn’t mean that it will always be what’s best for you; it’s a hard pill to swallow. Letting go can be the most difficult thing, no matter how necessary it is to do so.

    The first step is to allow yourself to come to terms with the fact that things aren’t what they once were. Stop kidding yourself. Open your eyes and take a look around. Is your relationship/friendship with that person bringing you both happiness the same way that it used to? Is this job still providing you with valuable experience, or is it holding you back from making your next move? Is your current environment lifting you up or pulling you down? Answer those all important questions, admit to yourself that things aren’t working anymore, and you can now begin to make those much needed improvements to those areas of your life. You can’t put out a fire by pretending it isn’t there. It’s just going to get bigger. Then you’ll have the audacity to wonder how you burned to death or died of smoke inhalation. You know in the back of your mind what’s good for you, so instead of trying to drown those feelings out, listen to them. Otherwise you’re just going to drag things out for longer, which can make it a lot harder on yourself and others. You can’t stop the inevitable from happening, so make it a bit easier on yourself.

    If there is another person involved, address the problem with them and see if you can talk through it together. That might be a boss, partner, friend or family member. If the other person is being difficult or turning things into a confrontation, don’t engage in it any further. Things are already bringing you negativity, you don’t need any more of it. Them deciding to react that way also further confirms the truth that it’s time to walk away. Never be afraid to voice how you’re feeling, even if you think you might come across as silly or paranoid, or even ungrateful. You can’t help how you feel and there’s always a real reason behind those feelings. Don’t let anyone make you feel like those feelings are invalid. They’re not.

    You have to bite the bullet. Get it over and done with. Stop beating around the bush, or making excuses, or telling yourself ‘what if’. It’s like pouring alcohol onto a fresh wound – you know it’ll help but you’re still reluctant to do it and while it does sting like a bitch, it’s over before you know it and now you can heal. So, would you rather let things get worse before they get better? Or let yourself get an infection and end up having to chop off a limb? I know which path I’d rather take.

    After the letting go part is out of the way, don’t sit and think to yourself that your life is never going to recover from whatever it is you’ve had to say goodbye to. Be proactive in your ‘healing’. Start to get to know yourself all over again. Who are you without that person or aspect in your life? Figure out your needs and wants – they may have changed since the last time you really checked in on yourself. Date yourself. Find out what makes you happy, calm, motivated, even what makes you sad. Pay attention to all of this and use your findings to start manifesting what you want in your future. Do you want to make new friends? Great, then start thinking about where you’ll meet these friends, what type of people you want to start surrounding yourself with and why you want to be around them. Do you want start a new project or side hustle? Okay, make a game plan, gather resources, do your research and start creating new and healthy habits that are going to help you reach your goals. You’ve been given an opportunity here to grow, so make the most of it.

    Don’t hold on to the negativity. I know it’s easier said than done and it can even bring you some form of comfort, but trust me it’s not going to do you any good. Do you really want a bunch of grudges and regrets cluttering up your mind? We want to make space for a more positive mindset; you don’t have the capacity for both. Forgive yourself and others. Wish people well. The Universe can misinterpret what you’re putting out, and if what you’re putting out is all these bad thoughts and feelings about yourself or others, it’s not going to give you what you really want. You’re just going to get more crap.

    Change in our lives, whether it’s in the people, places or jobs we have, is never going to go away. Try and learn to accept it, maybe even welcome it. It can seem daunting, saddening or scary at the time, but everything really does happen for a reason and it will always work itself out. You’ll be left wondering why on earth you were acting like it was the end of the bloody world, when if it hadn’t of been for letting go of that part of your life, you would never have grown to be where you are now. So trust me when I say you can let go of whatevers not right in your life anymore, because you’re going to be just fine without it. All you need is youself; your wonderful, badass self.

  • Girl, Stop Apologising.

    So I’ve kind of always been one to grovel. In most of the heated situations that have occurred throughout my young adult life between myself and a friend, I usually jump at the opportunity to apologise so that I can make things all right and rosy again. Although having the ability to say sorry is a valuable one, it is possible to apologise too often. I will often find myself saying sorry for reasons I am unsure of, sometimes even when the circumstances are far from tense or argumentative. I do it so much that people tell me off for it; my response is, of course, to apologise for apologising too much. I think what I have done is I have gradually started to use the word ‘sorry’ as a way to gain validation and confirmation from others that I am acting how I am supposed to in order to be a good and valuable friend.

    You may think that this is a completely idiotic and destructive way to navigate my way through life and relationships. You’re probably right. A close friend of mine could quite literally stab me in the back, and whilst gushing with blood my only concern would be to apologise for clearly upsetting them to the point of murderous rage, and ask what I could possibly do to fix things, because surely I must have done something dreadful for them to lash out at me in such a despicable way? No matter how much damage that other person may have done to me, I’ll do what I think I need to do to keep a quiet and drama-free life.

    I know that this issue of mine closely relates to my absolutely crippling fear of losing the people I’m close to, as I have never been great with dealing with changes to my personal life. This excludes family members, as I feel that they’re less likely to stop talking to me for reasons such as forgetting to like their latest picture on Instagram or having to cancel on their dogs birthday party at the last minute. Those are exaggerated examples of why a friend could be upset with me, but you get the idea. Family are in it till death do us part – unless I go on a cold-blooded murder spree that puts Ted Bundy to shame. Then I could understand if they didn’t fancy going out to lunch with me anymore.

    Basically, what I have begun to learn is this whole ‘apologising for the quickest way out’ thing really is not the best way to go about dealing with situations. Not only do I end up apologising for just being myself and most likely not doing anything wrong, but I end up with all this built up uneasiness inside of me. I have all this hurt and upset that others have (probably unintentionally) caused that I have pushed down deep inside me, because I fear that talking to them about it would lead to them turning on me. When, in reality, the worst they’re gonna do is express that they were unaware that they had hurt me, and then apologise for doing so.

    A lot of people, maybe even you reading this, are the complete opposite to me. Many of us find it difficult to find it in us to apologise for something and take accountability for our actions. It may be hard to see that you have anything to apologise for. We’re all so proud and reluctant to admit when we’re in the wrong, that we will go to the greatest of lengths to avoid having to suck it up and face the truth. But saying sorry (when necessary) isn’t something to avoid. It isn’t something to run from. It doesn’t make you weak, or pathetic, or vulnerable. It makes you a good person, and proves that you are mature enough to take responsibility for yourself.

    So in conclusion, it’s all about balance. Say sorry when you need to, but only if you actually need to. Take responsibility for your actions, but also understand that you shouldn’t feel the need to apologise for being yourself. That is, unless being yourself means being a serial killer or just a general asshole. Then I suggest reevaluating some things. Maybe try therapy?

    I hope you enjoyed this post for whatever reason. I’m totally NOT sorry for how long winded and rant-like it turned out.

    Okay, maybe I’m a little bit sorry.

    Thanks for reading!

  • Why do we need friends?

    Friendship is one of the most important things in the world to me. In my opinion, it’s more important to have strong friendships than it is to have a romantic relationship with someone. Maybe that’s just me. But I’ve recently been thinking, why do we go about creating these bonds with seemingly random people who we are neither related to nor do we wish to reproduce with them?

    Well, it turns out that us humans aren’t the only animals on the planet who do this. Being around our friends releases all those sweet, sweet chemicals in our brain such as dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin – this is the same for other animal species as well as just us humans. What happens in our brains when we interact with other humans can actually extend our life expectancy and lower the risk of heart disease. The release of these chemicals also causes us to behave in a certain way, motivating us to do the things that are good for us, relieving our stress and making us want to be friendlier more often. In short, friends make us less of an arse – both to ourselves and others.

    Like with most things, I guess it started with evolution. We needed that bond with other members of the pack who weren’t our relatives because we needed that support from others when it came to confrontation, hunting etc. This translates into our modern day selves, as we often use our friends as a support system, although this is now more so for emotional needs rather than protection or to back you up in a fight; I guess it depends on what kind of nights out you have.

    Our friends, along with family and others we invite into our lives (and some who we might prefer to stay out), make us who we are. They help us to learn valuable skills and life lessons all throughout our early childhood stages into adulthood. They help us to understand who we are as individuals, aiding us in defining our priorities in life. They make us laugh when we need it most, but also in the most inappropriate situations. They sometimes make us cry, but this teaches forgiveness and we learn how to move on and strengthen the bond. They’re someone to reach out to for help, and in turn we learn how to be there for someone other than ourselves. They are people we can trust to be a part of us. They give us a reality check when needed. They give us somewhere to go when everywhere else seems too much.

    Without friendship, we would suffer both mentally and physically. We would be lonely. Friends give us safety and happiness and companionship. I hope that everyone reading this has at least one good friend in their life, because you don’t just deserve it – you need it.