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  • Neurodiversity and Sex 

    Neurodiversity and Sex 

    It’s no secret that I’m passionate about sex education, but let’s talk about accessible and inclusive sex education in particular for a moment. Taking disabilities into consideration within RSHE is incredibly important, but sometimes hidden disabilities can get brushed under the rug or forgotten about. Young people with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), or any other disability that comes under the neurodiversity umbrella often have different experiences and struggles with sexual development and health. So, let’s get into the ins and outs of neurodiversity and sex. 

    Libido & Neurodiversity

    It is a common misconception that if you are neurodivergent, specifically autistic, you lack sexual desire. There has been no evidence that supports this narrative, however, there are different barriers that an autistic person will encounter in intimate situations that a neurotypical person may not. It is because of these barriers that topics such as consent, setting boundaries and open communication are key areas that should be covered within RSE programmes that may help neurodivergent young people in their journeys to healthy sexual wellbeing.

    Individuals with ADHD can often experience both hypersexuality (high sex drive) and hyposexuality (low sex drive). Those who experience hypersexuality (1) can engage in risky sexual behaviours such as unprotected sex, potentially problematic pornography use (2), or intimacy with strangers. Hypersexuality within young people with ADHD can be a way to self-regulate and cope with negative feelings that are brought on by their disability – sexual stimulation releases endorphins, mobilising the brain’s transmitters. People with ADHD have lower levels of these chemicals in the brain, which can encourage impulsivity and risky behaviours. All of this can lead young people to begin to explore sexuality, and develop hypersexuality, from early ages (3), leading to higher numbers of sexual partners and even earlier parenthood. 

    Neurodiverse individuals may also experience hyposexuality – low sex drive or libido. People within this community can experience higher levels of anger and feelings of loneliness, which can affect their interest in sex. Sensory issues (4) are a common characteristic within neurodivergent people, meaning that sensations that can feel sexually pleasurable for neurotypicals can be overwhelming or uncomfortable for those who are ND. A low libido can also be a side effect of antidepressant medications, which are commonly used by this community. 

    Neurodivergent Risks & Barriers

    That brings us into the different risks and barriers that neurodivergent people face in intimate and sexual situations. Effective communication is key when engaging in any form of sexual contact with another consenting partner. However, communication isn’t something that always comes easily to those who are neurodivergent (5) – a lack of effective communication can be harmful and even dangerous within these situations, as it’s important that all those involved are able to express likes, dislikes, and be able to give and withdraw consent. 

    Initiating intimacy, or even just trying to develop positive relationships, can prove more difficult for ND individuals because of struggling with understanding unwritten social rules, figurative language, and their straightforward communication style coming across as blunt or rude. Autistic people in particular may have trouble interpreting others’ emotions and nonverbal communication cues, starting and maintaining conversations, and recognising boundaries (6).

    Staying attentive and ‘in the moment’ during sexual interactions can be difficult for those with ADHD (7) – inattentiveness, impulsivity, and hyperactivity are all ADHD characteristics that may cause issues with intimacy. These barriers can potentially lead to their partners feeling disconnected from them or left feeling undesired. As touched upon previously, impulsivity within those with ADHD can lead to risky sexual behaviours such as inconsistent contraceptive use, more impulsive and casual sex, and alcohol or substance use before sex. 

    How Can RSE Help? 

    For neurodivergent individuals who may begin exploring their sexuality from even younger ages than their neurotypical peers (3), having age appropriate but informative RSE lessons in schools from an early stage can help them to understand their bodies and desires, why they have certain feelings, and alleviate shame and confusion.

    RSE should cover important topics, such as consent and relationships, that will give neurodivergent young people a better understanding of communication in intimate situations and relationships. Providing ND young people with these tools in their early life can give them more confidence that they will be able to navigate situations in the future, making them more comfortable for themselves and others involved. Teaching young people in-depth about the importance of safe sex and contraception may help to decrease impulsive, risky choices, which could have a great impact on their quality of life in the long term.

    RSHE should be accessible for everyone, and we should strive to offer unrestrictive sex and relationships education that serves neurodiverse young people.

  • 10 Tips for Unforgettable Foreplay

    10 Tips for Unforgettable Foreplay

    Great sex starts with amazing foreplay, and luckily for you, I’ve got all the tips and tricks for making yours unforgettable.

    1. Cum-munication, baby 

    Do you know what really gets your partner(s) hot under the collar, and vise versa? Some great ways to get around the ‘awkard’ conversation about what you want can be dirty talk, or to put on a show for your partner and masturbate in front of them, showing exactly how you want them to touch you.

    1. Take your sweet time

    Don’t rush through the supporting act just to get to the headliner – foreplay can be just as satisfying as the sex itself! It can be harder to achieve real pleasure when things are being rushed, putting pressure on the situation. Take your time, explore your partners body, and pay attention to their responses to your actions. 

    1. Bring them to the edge

    Edging is the act of bringing someone to the very precipice of orgasm, only to take away the stimulant right when they are about to reach their peak, and repeat. Edging can lead to a better orgasm when you finally allow your partner to reach climax. If you’re playing with someone who has a vulva, try edging them with a toy such as a wand or bullet vibrator, and see just how long it takes until they’re begging for release…

    1. Sorry, we’re a little tied up…

    Including bondage in your foreplay can really help to spice things up. If you’re a beginner, invest in a starter kit that will have all the essentials you need to enhance your play session. Just remember to settle on safewords beforehand!

    1. Show them your moves

    Who needs to head down to the club when you can give your partner a lap dance and strip tease at home? Throw on something sexy, and this can be a great way to boost your own confidence, build some sexual tension, and get your partner sweating a little.

    1. Couples who read together, sleep together

    There’s so much juicy erotic literature out in the world for you and your partner to explore. As a warm up act before sex, take it in turns reading some x-rated stories to each other – for extra points, act out the scenes from what you’ve just read! You might even discover something new.

    1. Peachy keen 

    Incorporating anal play into your usual blowjobs and fingering can really take things to the next level, adding new and exciting sensations! Treat yourself to a new butt plug – oh, and don’t forget the lube

    1. How’s that pressure for you? 

    If you haven’t tried giving your partner a sensual massage yet, now is the time. Invest in some deliciously scented massage oil and put those hands to work, exploring every crevice of their body until they’re putty in your arms.

    1. Now you see me…

    Taking away your partner’s sight will enhance all of their other senses. Dress them in a blindfold and leave them guessing at what your next move will be… tease them with light touches or leave them breathless from overstimulation.

    1. Hot and cold

    Try experimenting with a little bit of temperature play to heighten sensations. Trail an ice cube along your lover’s torso, or have them gasping with the mix of pleasure and pain with wax play.

  • What Not To Put Near Your Vagina

    What Not To Put Near Your Vagina

    Vaginas can be complicated – one wrong move and BOOM! Yeast infection.

    The wonderful thing about vaginas? They pretty much take care of themselves. They’re self-cleaning, and as long as you don’t put anything in or near them that throws off their pH balance and upsets them, you’re pretty much good to go.

    Thing is, no one really tells us the do’s and don’t’s of what can actually negatively effect the health of your vagina. So, what are your vagina’s worst enemies?

    1. Fruits & Vegetables – you might be thinking, ‘why on earth would I put produce down there?’. But hey, I don’t know what you like, and I’m not judging. Except even well-washed produce can still be home to bacteria, pesticides and even teeny tiny bugs… Also, no one wants to end up at A&E with a cucumber stuck in places cucumbers shouldn’t be.
    2. Scented/Flavoured Lubes – first of all, this is so unneccessary. Second of all, these lubes contain glucose which is a one-way ticket to thrust city. Same goes for flavoured condoms – only use these during oral sex.
    3. Perfumes – news flash! A vagina is meant to smell like a vagina. Not flowers, not fruits, not fresh linen – a VAGINA. Perfumes have so many chemicals in them that will kill off your good bacteria, making way for (you guessed it) a yeast infection.
    4. Douches – one great thing about vaginas is that they are self-cleaning, which is why discharge is actually the exact opposite of gross. It’s literally your body cleaning itself. Douching will only cause an overgrowth of bad bacteria, and lead to a yeast infection or BV.
    5. Tea Tree Oil – undiluted tea tree oil will damage or burn the muscosal membrane of your vag, which helps it to secrete fluids and keep things moist. Tea tree oil will also strip away your healthy bacteria.
    6. Whipped Cream, Chocolate Syrup etc – basically, anything sugary. I’m not saying you have to give up your freaky food play (far from it, go off sis), but just keep it away from your more delicate areas.

    So, what CAN you put inside or around your vagina without the risk of upsetting it?

    A (consensual) penis

    Fingers (please wash your hands before and after, you detty pig)

    Lube (check the ingredients are vulva friendly)

    Sex toys (always clean after use)

    We’re taught to take care of our bodies the best we can – eat well, excersise, drink water, skincare. But why do we never talk about our intimate care? Taking care of our genitals is just as important as caring for every other inch of our body. Let’s start talking about it.

  • BDSM Tips for Beginners

    BDSM Tips for Beginners

    With an increasingly sex positive society (we’re getting there), kink and BDSM is beginning to become less of a taboo topic. We’re beginning to see BDSM depicted in the media more often than ever in the form of books, documentaries and movies. We have dating sites and events tailored to those with particular tastes. With all of things comes more people dipping their toes in the BDSM world and community – but like with most things, you must walk before you can run. Otherwise, you risk tripping up. Big time.

    Here’s some top tips for all BDSM beginners.

    Learn your limits

    Learning what your limits are when it comes to BDSM and/or sex might require some exploration on your part (don’t knock it till you try it, am I right?), whether that’s watching porn or physically exploring different kinks and dynamics. Once you have an understanding of what your limits are, it’s important to communicate these to any play partners so they know what lines not to cross. Understanding and respecting limits helps ensure that everyone has a safe and pleasurable time!

    Understand the Terminology

    When you first begin exploring BDSM and different kinks and dynamics, you’ll likely come across a lot of different words and phrases that don’t tend to be used in every day conversation. Here’s some basics to get you started:

    Dominant (Dom/Domme) – The participant that the power and controll is transferred to.

    Submissive (sub) – The participant who relinquishes power and control to the Dominant.

    Switch – Someone who switches between the role of both Dom and sub.

    Impact play – Anything that involves impact with the body! Spanking, flogging, slapping, riding crops…

    Masochist – Someone who is sexually turned on by their own pain, degradation or humiliation.

    Sadist – Someone who is sexually turned on by inflicting pain, degrading or humilating someone else.

    Establish Safewords

    A safeword is a word or a phrase that you agree on before taking part in BDSM – if you say the word or phrase, all activity stops straight away without question. Having a safeword is a MUST if you are planning to participate in any type of BDSM activity. Your safeword should be clearly communicated to each partner you are playing with, so that they are aware of the fact that they should immediatly stop what they are doing if you use it. Safewords help to ensure that no one is pushed past their personal limits, and no one is hurt physically or psychologically during a BDSM session.

    Here are some examples of safewords if you would like some ideas for your own:

    Traffic Light System – Probably the most common type of safeword. Green means you can push things further, Yellow/Amber means you are close to your limit, and Red means stop everything.

    Fruit – Choosing a fruit is an easy and simple safeword. Anything from ‘Apple’ to ‘Strawberry’ works!

    Colour – Similar to the traffic light system, colours are a very common safeword choice in the BDSM community.

    Respect Others

    One of the biggest things to have for others when exploring BDSM and introducing yourself into the community is respect. Obviously, consent is HUGELY important with any sexual encounter – just because you’re getting a little rougher or kinkier doesn’t mean that this changes. Always establish consent before you engage in any BDSM play with the other parties involved.

    When you start exploring this world, you’ll come across many kinks and fetishes. Going into things with an open mind and no judgement is essential. As long as it’s legal and not harming anyone else, there is no need to shame anyone else for what they enjoy. Similarly to this, shaming someone or trying to push them on their limits is one way to get yourself kicked out of the bedroom or a sex party.

    As with anything that involves sex, safety always comes first. Regular testing for STDs, using protection such as condoms and other contraception, and just checking in with someone to make sure they’re okay will help make everyone’s experience a positive one.

    Hopefully this has been useful and informative – now go get kinky!

    Use code ‘SYD20’ to get 20% off condoms, lube and libido supplement at HANX.

  • All About Thrush: We Know You’re Itching to Learn

    All About Thrush: We Know You’re Itching to Learn

    Upset your vagina, and it can produce yeast. One of the many joys of the female body, right? Yeast infections, otherwise known as thrush, are something that everybody with a vagina will experience at least once in their life. It’s important that we understand what causes thrush, so we can do our best to avoid it, and treat it when it does come knocking on our labia. 

    Firstly, what causes thrush?

    Like an unwanted 1am ‘You up?’ text from that guy you never should have given your number to, thrush can appear when we least expect it. Main causes include irritated skin, antibiotics (they kill our good bacteria as well as bad), oral contraception, poorly managed or undiagnosed diabetes, and, of course, stress.

    Symptoms of thrush include:

    • White/yellowish, usually odourless vaginal discharge which is often visually compared to cottage cheese.
    • Itchy or swollen genitals.
    • A stinging or burning sensation when peeing.
    • Uncomfortable or painful intercourse.

    There are some things you can do to ease the itch. It’s advised that you avoid soaps in the affected area, and opt for water with a gentle emollient to wash, ensuring you dry yourself properly after. Wear comfortable, cotton underwear to prevent further irritation to your friend downstairs (she’s been through a lot, a lace thong will not help). You should refrain from sexual activity with any partners, as although it isn’t an STI, thrush can be passed on if it hasn’t cleared up. 

    But how do you treat thrush?

    There are many anti-fungal treatments out there in the form of creams, tablets and pessaries. Check out products by the female-founded sexual wellness brand HANX right here. No nonsense, easy to follow instructions, and discreet packaging. Everything you and your vag wished for and more.

  • My Pleasure is not Shameful

    My Pleasure is not Shameful

    I love sex.

    I love engaging in sexual acts, I love talking about it, I love educating others on sex and everything to do with it. It’s not just me being super horny (although it happens). I’m fascinated by sex, even more so when I learn something new that we should have been taught in school or by our parents, or when I tell someone else something that they don’t know.

    Did you know that sperm can live inside of you for 5-8 days? Meaning you can get pregnant days after actually having sex.

    Being hydrated leads to better orgasms.

    Period sex has lots of benefits, including helping cramps.

    75% of women don’t orgasm through penetration alone.

    I love talking about and being open about sex because it helps myself and others learn more about ourselves and our bodies. I talk about it because I feel comfortable to do so, and I want others to be able to engage in the conversation without shame or stigma surrounding those topics.

    As I said, I’ve been like this for a while. I’ve been exploring my own sexuality, desires, likes and dislikes since I was a teenager. As most people do. I wouldn’t say that I was bullied in school or college, but when I look back on certain experiences now, I can confidently say that I experienced what we refer to as ‘slut-shaming’.

    A particular incident that has stuck with me happened in college, when I was around 17 years old. I was sat in the common room during a free period with a group of my friends at the time – all guys. The conversation moved to sex, and I engaged in the topic just as they all were. I spoke about experiences I had, answered questions they asked (being the only girl present at the time, they seemed curious to hear what I had to say). After the conversion, we all went about our day as normal.

    That evening, I got a message from one of the guys at college. He wanted to let me know that after I had left the room, the other guys immediately began making fun of me and shaming me for being so willing to talk about sex. They thought it was weird, attention-seeking, gross, unladylike. I was shocked, because at the time none of them seemed to have an issue, and I was only talking about the same things they were, just from a female perspective.

    That was a few years ago now, but even then I remember thinking, ‘Are we really still holding on to these double-standards?’. It made me question myself, and if I should dial it back with what I say around others. But nothing I had said was offensive, and no one was uncomfortable to my knowledge. Which begs the question…

    Is talking about my experiences and pleasure only acceptable if I have a penis in between my legs?

    If this is how we act towards women when they voice their opinions, likes and dislikes around sex, then no wonder there’s an orgasm gap. Women are shamed into not expressing their sexual needs because it’s not seen as socially acceptable – even if they do, are they even being listened to? How are our partners meant to know how to bring us pleasure if the stigma around embracing our sexual desires prevents us from telling them what we want?

    I love sex. I’m never going to stop encouraging conversations about it, because they’re important conversations to have. I hope you’ll join me in them.

  • Sex Miseducation: Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

    Sex Miseducation: Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

    I would say that I am a pretty open person when it comes to talking about things that others may shy away from, such as mental health, racism, and sex. I have spoken on two of the mentioned topics here on Currently Clueless, but not that third one. The thing with sex is people like to keep it private, which is completely understandable, and I respect that decision. But there is a difference between keeping our own sex lives private versus not talking about sex at all. This leads to the issue of lacking proper education and understanding on something that plays a huge role in most of our lives.

    But why is this a problem?

    Poor sex education is dangerous. It can affect not only our physical health, but our mental wellbeing as well. We’re not born knowing these things, and due to the poor teachings we receive on the subject at school, most of us just learn along the way through friends, family members and a quick Google search (using an incognito tab, of course). The problem is, many sources can be misleading, uninformative, or biased based on personal views and beliefs, and lead to the spread of misinformation.

    I’m pretty sure the most any of us ever learned in school about sex was how to put a condom on a banana, and unless you have a fetish for fruit, that’s not exactly going to help us out in the long run.

    And surprise, surprise – sex isn’t all about the penis in the vagina (shocking, I know).

    So, I wanted to start a little series on here, which I have titled ‘Sex Miseducation’, where we will be talking about all the things that school failed to teach us. Get ready to talk about topics such as sex and the LGTBQ+ community, gender identity, breaking the stigma surrounding the idea of virginity, putting an end to body hair shame, how to really take care of our sexual health and so much more.

    Obviously, I’m not a sex-pert by any means. Anything I say is based off my own research, and I’m definitely still learning along with everyone else. But that’s a good thing! No one needs to pretend to know exactly what they are talking about, and no one needs to feel ashamed for not knowing either.

    Expect the first instalment of this sexy new series very soon!

  • Black Lives Matter: Current Situation and Black Mental Health

    Black Lives Matter: Current Situation and Black Mental Health

    I am sure we are all aware by now of the current situation the world is facing. The unjust murder of African-American citizen George Floyd by police officers in the US has sparked a state of civil unrest, leading to protests and riots taking place all over the world to push for change when it comes to the oppression and discriminatory treatment of black lives everywhere. The noise being made in support of the Black Lives Matter movement has never been louder, and should not quieten down until action has been taken by both US and UK governments to help put an end to racism-fuelled violence and abuse.

    I can understand that many allies of this movement may be unable to join in with the protests taking place outside for various reasons, but this is not the only way that you can take action. All of us have a part to play in eradicating racism from this world. There is so much more you can do than just sharing a blank, black square on social media. Take the two minutes to sign any petition you come across, donate to anti-racist organisations who are working to improve the lives of the black community, research and educate yourself and then others on both the past and present suffering people have gone through purely because of the colour of their skin. Call out racist friends, family members and strangers. That single post on Instagram is a feeble attempt at solidarity – you can do better. We can all do better.

    A great way you can help back the Black Lives Matter movement and incite change to help save and improve the lives of innocent people is writing to your MP. If enough of us get in contact to raise concern and request action to be taken on a situation, it will push them towards a parlimentary discussion. There is so much that the UK can do, both to help black Americans and our own black citizens. Our country must stop the exports of weapons used by the US to control riots and protests such as harmful rubber bullets and anti-crowd gas, as well as urge the government to condemn the Trump administration for the forceful treatment of protesters.

    We must remind those in positions of power that Britain is not innocent. Our own country experiences a disproportionate use of force by police against black people, as well as racial discrimination within UK housing and the bias against minorities in police stop and search. If you are unsure on who your MP is, or do not know their details for getting your letter or email across, you can find everything you need to know at this website: https://www.theyworkforyou.com/mps/

    Graphic by Mia Rae Smith – available to purchase in t-shirt form. All proceeds will be going towards anti-racism organisations. Order here now!

    One of the main topics that I discuss through my writing is mental health. I have always been a huge advocate for giving those who suffer with their mental wellbeing the help that they need and deserve. One thing that I have not ever fully educated myself on though, is black mental health. That is, until now.

    In the UK, black people are more likely than white people to be detained under the Mental Health act or encounter inpatient mental health services. Why is no one talking about this?

    Growing research suggests that those exposed to racism are more likely to suffer from illnesses such as depression and psychosis. The society that we are in, one that is dominated by white supremacy and privilege, has caused social and economic inequalities that cause the black community to be faced with so many unfair disadvantages – these disadvantages include higher rates of unemployement, unequal pay, high rates of poverty and homelessness. These are all risk factors that can lead to the development of mental health problems.

    There is concern over the unmet mental health needs of the BAME community in both the criminal and youth justice systems and that needs to change. It has been found that a BAME individual is less likely to have mental health problems diagnosed upon entry to the justice system compared to a white individual. These are facts that I am only just learning, and although I am glad I now know so that I can help spread awareness, I am angry – you should be too.

    The week after George Floyd’s murder was filled with so much noise backing the Black Lives Matter movement, but what concerns me is everyone going back to normal and letting this momentum die down. Do not stop tweeting. Do not stop donating, signing, writing, protesting, educating. Do not stop until change is made.

    Black lives will always matter.


    Resources

    Research:

    Mental Health Foundation

    Black Spaces by The Mental Health Foundation

    Young Minds

    Mind

    Charities:

    Black Thrive

    Black Minds Matter

    Stop Hate UK

    Stephen Lawrence Charitable Trust


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  • Oh, I Just Manifested It!

    Oh, I Just Manifested It!

    I first came across the art of manifestation when I started listening to more podcasts and reading more ‘self-help’ books. However, there was one novel in particular that really pushed me over the edge when it comes to believing in myself and the universe, and that was ‘How to be a Badass’ by Jen Sincero. Let me tell you, I definitely learned how to be a bit more badass-y after finishing this book. Jen talks about letting the universe know what it is you want by speaking it into existence.

    If you want to manifest your dreams into reality, you can’t just want it to happen, you have to believe it’s going to happen. Let me give you an example…

    I went for an interview a few months ago for a job that I knew was exactly what I’d been looking for as a step in the right direction for my future career. I’d had no experience in the industry before, and I had only worked one other office job previously, which was my business administration apprenticeship. But I walked into that interview knowing I had the skills and personality that they were looking for to fill the role. I walked out of that first interview feeling good, giving no energy to worrying about the outcome.

    A little while after, I was invited back for a second interview along with two other candidates. Now, this second interview is what really made me realise ‘this is my job’. I had never had such a good feeling from an interview before, and there was no way I wasn’t going to be working for this company within the next few weeks. But instead of walking out and thinking ‘wow, I really hope I get that job, I’ll be so disappointed if I don’t get it, I think I did enough to impress them’, I changed my thinking into ‘I can’t wait to start this new job, I’m so excited for this new opportunity, that interview went perfectly’. Even if when my mum would say that she hoped I would get it, I responded with the belief that, actually, it was already mine.

    I’ve been working here for over a month now.

    I gave no energy to worrying about the possibility of it not happening, because in my mind that wasn’t a possibility. I made sure not to use any negative language that the universe could have taken to mean something else. When putting something out for the universe to hear, you need to be concise. For example, instead of manifesting ‘By this time next year my bank account will not be empty’, use a phrase more like ‘By this time next year my bank account will be full and healthy/will have X amount of money in it’. See, the universe will hear the word ‘empty’ and may misunderstand what it is you are wanting. Try not to give out mixed signals.

    So, how do you create your own manifesto? Picture where you want to be in the future. This could be in a years’ time or even 10 years from now, it’s up to you. The more specific you are the better. Let’s say you’re wanting to move out; Where are you living? Are you in a house or a flat? Are you renting or paying a mortgage? Do you live alone? With a partner? Roommates? Do you live close to work? Do you have a garden? Is there a pet running around inside? Are you friendly with your neighbours? What colour are the f**king walls?

    Write it all down and read it back often. Be excited that this is what you are working towards. This is your future that you are looking forward to.

    To give you some ideas, here’s a brief manifesto of my own:

    • By the end of next year (2021) I will have a distinction in my digital marketing course, have completed my apprenticeship and be working in a higher position marketing job, earning X amount of money per annum.
    • By the end of next year, I will be getting an average of 100 views per blog post on Currently Clueless. Thanks to my experience gained from my apprentice job, my WordPress skills will have vastly improved; I will apply these skills not only to my own site but for future job roles.
    • By the time I am 24 years old, I will be preparing to move out and purchase my own property to live in by myself.

    You get the idea. You might think I’m crazy or unrealistic, and that’s just fine. It’s not for everybody and trust me I know how hard it is to get into this sort of positive mindset. But just think, how’s the universe supposed to give you what you want if you don’t tell it? Speak up – the only risk is being heard.